A/N: During my month's vacation, just to keep my hand in occasionally, I posted the beginnings of some new stories on a place called An Archive of Our Own. I won't be posting all three of them here on my website; but I really wanted to share this one with you guys. Also, An Archive of Our Own has a lot of stories up in many categories, if you guys are looking for someplace better than AFF to read stories on. Hope you like this one, and please review if you do. Thanks -DL
Chapters 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 89
Love Thine Enemy
Chapter 1
Aasif Al-Dahwi stood at the window of his apartment, staring down at the street below. There were times, he mused to himself, when he'd seriously considered opening the window, stepping out on the ledge, and jumping. But every time he thought about doing it, he remembered the sacrifice that his parents had made to get him and his sister out of Iraq and here to America, and he couldn’t do it. So he stood at the window instead, staring at the view. Maybe if he looked at it long enough, it would help him find some peace within himself.
Fat chance, as Americans said. His lips curved in a bitter smile. There was no peace for him, not in this lifetime. He simply had to endure. Who knows? Maybe one day he'd step out into the street and be killed by a drunk driver. For now, though, he turned away from the window and walked into his tiny kitchen, to make the food that he needed to keep this body going.
He passed the tiny hall closet where he'd carefully folded up and put away his prayer rug. Doing that had been one of the hardest things that he'd ever done; but he felt he'd had no choice. There was no place in Islam for a gay man, and Aasif knew without a doubt that he was gay. While giving up his religion and his heritage had been a drastic step on his part, how could he continue to worship a god that made it clear that people like Aasif should be violently killed just for being who they were?
He knew how upset his parents would be if they knew that he'd stopped being a Muslim. But then, he suspected that they'd have repudiated him anyway when they learned that he was gay, or they would have tried to force him to be straight. He couldn’t, he just couldn't be something that he wasn't. He couldn’t pretend, no matter how much it hurt to live his life as who he really was.
The funny thing was, though, that he was living as an openly gay man without the one very important prerequisite required - i.e., a boyfriend. Aasif lived the life of a Tibetan monk, celibate and spare, because he couldn’t bring himself to try and meet anyone. He just couldn't...
Whenever he tried, whenever he thought that he might be able to smile at an attractive man and maybe flirt with him, dark memories would come flooding into his brain and stop him in his tracks. He'd start to sweat, and shake, and his heartbeat would race sickeningly. There was no choice but to retreat and try to calm down somewhere by himself, while drearily cursing yet another failed attempt. By now, he was close to giving up altogether. He'd just live out his life alone, while standing by the window wishing that he had the courage to jump and end it all.
Aasif walked down the street, carrying several bags of groceries. One of the bags was trying to shift, so he was looking down as he tried to rebalance the load before he dropped something. Suddenly he was brought up short in shock as he ran smartly into someone else. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry!" he cried.
His eyes found the person he'd run into, and a wave of pure panic raced through him as he took in the desert camo uniform on a stocky body, and the buzz cut dark-blonde hair. The soldier shrugged. "It's all right..." he began.
Aasif couldn’t move. His heart was trying to burst from his chest, fear was gibbering animal squalling in his brain, and all he knew right now was an animal's desperate need to escape from danger. With a small, terrible sound, he turned on his heel and ran away down the street.
Behind him, Sergeant Daniel Radney frowned as the man who'd just run into him now ran away from him. What the hell had that been about? He wondered silently. In his mind's eye, he could still see two large, dark eyes widening and filling up with a look of pure terror. What had caused that look? Had it been him? And if so, why? He glanced down at himself, but didn't see anything particularly terrifying about his neat uniform. Shaking his head, he shrugged. He'd probably never know what had caused that little incident. Best to let it go as 'one of those things'.
He went on his way. He had a meeting with his superiors in half an hour, to discuss his intention to leave the Army when his latest enlistment ran out in two months time. Daniel had had enough of war and fighting and death. Two tours in Iraq, then three in Afghanistan - that was enough for any man. He knew that his superiors would try to convince him to reenlist, but he wasn't going to be convinced this time. He wanted something different out of life now. He even had a job lined up when he became a civilian, something that most vets didn't have. It should be interesting to be a civilian again, after over ten years in the Service. He was looking forward to the change.
Aasif came back to himself, and found that he was standing in his apartment still clutching his bags of groceries. He was terribly glad that he'd kept a hold of them even in his extreme panic. He stood panting, his whole body shaking. Aasif closed his eyes, biting back a moan. Why? Why did he still react this way?! All it had taken was seeing that uniform, and his mind had gone blank as a surge of panic had risen up inside of him. He didn't even remember what the soldier’s face had looked like. He could have been anyone. Anyone at all.
Groaning, he staggered into his kitchen to put the groceries away. He would try very hard to forget this incident, just as he was trying to (unsuccessfully) forget so many other things. Perhaps one day he'd actually be able to forget, but he sincerely doubted it. He was trapped, trapped in a hell that he couldn’t seem to get out of...
Two Months Later:
(former) Sergeant Daniel Radney stood on the sidewalk and took a deep breath of the smog-laden air, feeling light-hearted and free. It was his first day as a civilian in more than ten years, and he intended to make the most of it. He'd already shed his uniform, and was wearing a pair of worn jeans and a t-shirt. Only his severely buzz cut hair was an indication of what he had been up until today, and lots of civilians had buzz cuts. He could definitely blend in with the rest of society looking like this.
He decided to do something to celebrate his freedom. He was going to do something that he never had before - he was going to walk into a gay bar and get a drink. While 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' was a thing of the past now, he'd still avoided places like gay bars even when he'd been on leave. That was partly because up until now, he hadn't wanted to take the chance of meeting someone he could be serious about. He hadn't wanted a life partner while he was still in the Army, because he hadn't wanted to leave someone behind who had to worry all the time that he might be killed. But now that he was free, he could think about finding someone. And this would be the first step - going to a place where gay men gathered.
He used his phone to Google the names and locations of gay bars nearby. Picking one at random, he drove his truck to the place. He was glad to see an absence of neon lights on the facade. There was only a small sign that WAS very pink-and-purple. He smiled a little at the sight of it as he walked in the place.
Inside, he saw a long bar made of polished wood against one wall, with mirrored shelves holding bottles of alcohol behind it. There was a small dance floor, but no disco ball or flashing lights. The bar was mostly empty at this time of day, though there was someone behind the bar moving around. Daniel strolled over to it and perched on a barstool. The bartender straightened up, looking surprised to see him.
"Oh, hello," he said in an accented voice. "What can I get you?"
"A rum and Coke, please," Daniel replied politely.
"Coming right up."
The bartender turned away to make his drink, and Daniel sat casually looking around. This seemed like a nice place. He might come and hang out here more often, now that he was thinking about getting onto the dating scene. He turned back when a glass clinked on the wood of the bar. "Thanks," he said, picking it up.
"You're welcome," the accented voice said quietly.
Daniel glanced up at the bartender in idle curiosity. Then his eyes sharpened as he stared at an oddly familiar face. Where did he know this guy from? He took in liquid cheekbones, a sensual mouth, soft brown skin, and a thick fall of black hair. But it was the big dark eyes he was remembering. Those eyes...he had seen them somewhere, he just knew it...
Suddenly, he knew. It had been that day, two months ago, when he'd been standing on the sidewalk in his uniform. Someone had run into him, and he'd seen a man holding two bags of groceries. A pair of big dark eyes had widened and filled with such a look of total fear...then the man had run away as though Daniel had been a demon. This man. But the bartender didn't seem to have an equal memory of his face, since the man was barely looking at him. What the hell? Why had this guy been so terrified of him two months ago, and why wasn’t he frightened now? Raging curiosity filled him, and he knew that he had to find out.
He started to open his mouth, to remind the man of that day, when the bartender left him with an indifferent smile to help another customer who'd just entered the bar. While he was gone, Daniel rethought his plan of asking the man what had caused his reaction. He didn't want to embarrass or disconcert the guy while he was working. He decided to hang around for a bit instead, and study the bartender. Maybe he could get a clue about what had caused that weird incident.
He sipped at his drink, watching the bartender from under his lashes. He noticed something, after awhile - the bartender avoided all contact with his customers. The way he handed his customers their drinks, he managed to deftly make sure that their fingers didn't touch. And while he smiled and even flirted a bit with the men who ordered drinks from him, it was all with a cool standoffishness in body language that had to communicate subconsciously to the customers that they shouldn't try to get too close.
Interesting. Why was the man afraid of being touched? Was it because he was straight? He could understand why a straight man working in a gay bar wouldn't want to get too friendly or affectionate with the customers. But that still didn't explain his reaction to Daniel's uniform - and it had to be to his uniform, since the man didn't even recognize his face.
Daniel knew he had to figure this mystery out. While he'd intended to write it off two months ago as 'just one of those things', now he wanted to know what about him had caused that look of terror in this man's eyes. He sipped at his drink, thoughtfully, coming up with a game plan in his head.
The bartender finished with the other customers and approached him again. "Can I give you a refill?" he asked, pointing at Daniel's half-empty glass.
"Not just yet," he replied. "In a bit."
"All right. Let me know if I can do anything else."
"You can tell me your name," Daniel said.
The bartender blinked, looking taken aback. "What?"
"Your name. Mine's Daniel. I'm thinking of hanging out here from now on, since I just moved to town and this seems like a nice place. It would be good to know the name of the guy serving me my drinks."
"Oh," the bartender said in comprehension. "It's Aasif."
"Aasif. Nice to meet you," Daniel said in a friendly but bland voice.
"Yes, it is nice to meet you as well, Daniel," the bartender replied in a neutral tone of voice.
"Here, you can give me a refill now," Daniel said with a small smile, sliding his almost empty glass toward the bartender.
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Chapters 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 89
Love Thine Enemy
Chapter 1
Aasif Al-Dahwi stood at the window of his apartment, staring down at the street below. There were times, he mused to himself, when he'd seriously considered opening the window, stepping out on the ledge, and jumping. But every time he thought about doing it, he remembered the sacrifice that his parents had made to get him and his sister out of Iraq and here to America, and he couldn’t do it. So he stood at the window instead, staring at the view. Maybe if he looked at it long enough, it would help him find some peace within himself.
Fat chance, as Americans said. His lips curved in a bitter smile. There was no peace for him, not in this lifetime. He simply had to endure. Who knows? Maybe one day he'd step out into the street and be killed by a drunk driver. For now, though, he turned away from the window and walked into his tiny kitchen, to make the food that he needed to keep this body going.
He passed the tiny hall closet where he'd carefully folded up and put away his prayer rug. Doing that had been one of the hardest things that he'd ever done; but he felt he'd had no choice. There was no place in Islam for a gay man, and Aasif knew without a doubt that he was gay. While giving up his religion and his heritage had been a drastic step on his part, how could he continue to worship a god that made it clear that people like Aasif should be violently killed just for being who they were?
He knew how upset his parents would be if they knew that he'd stopped being a Muslim. But then, he suspected that they'd have repudiated him anyway when they learned that he was gay, or they would have tried to force him to be straight. He couldn’t, he just couldn't be something that he wasn't. He couldn’t pretend, no matter how much it hurt to live his life as who he really was.
The funny thing was, though, that he was living as an openly gay man without the one very important prerequisite required - i.e., a boyfriend. Aasif lived the life of a Tibetan monk, celibate and spare, because he couldn’t bring himself to try and meet anyone. He just couldn't...
Whenever he tried, whenever he thought that he might be able to smile at an attractive man and maybe flirt with him, dark memories would come flooding into his brain and stop him in his tracks. He'd start to sweat, and shake, and his heartbeat would race sickeningly. There was no choice but to retreat and try to calm down somewhere by himself, while drearily cursing yet another failed attempt. By now, he was close to giving up altogether. He'd just live out his life alone, while standing by the window wishing that he had the courage to jump and end it all.
Aasif walked down the street, carrying several bags of groceries. One of the bags was trying to shift, so he was looking down as he tried to rebalance the load before he dropped something. Suddenly he was brought up short in shock as he ran smartly into someone else. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry!" he cried.
His eyes found the person he'd run into, and a wave of pure panic raced through him as he took in the desert camo uniform on a stocky body, and the buzz cut dark-blonde hair. The soldier shrugged. "It's all right..." he began.
Aasif couldn’t move. His heart was trying to burst from his chest, fear was gibbering animal squalling in his brain, and all he knew right now was an animal's desperate need to escape from danger. With a small, terrible sound, he turned on his heel and ran away down the street.
Behind him, Sergeant Daniel Radney frowned as the man who'd just run into him now ran away from him. What the hell had that been about? He wondered silently. In his mind's eye, he could still see two large, dark eyes widening and filling up with a look of pure terror. What had caused that look? Had it been him? And if so, why? He glanced down at himself, but didn't see anything particularly terrifying about his neat uniform. Shaking his head, he shrugged. He'd probably never know what had caused that little incident. Best to let it go as 'one of those things'.
He went on his way. He had a meeting with his superiors in half an hour, to discuss his intention to leave the Army when his latest enlistment ran out in two months time. Daniel had had enough of war and fighting and death. Two tours in Iraq, then three in Afghanistan - that was enough for any man. He knew that his superiors would try to convince him to reenlist, but he wasn't going to be convinced this time. He wanted something different out of life now. He even had a job lined up when he became a civilian, something that most vets didn't have. It should be interesting to be a civilian again, after over ten years in the Service. He was looking forward to the change.
Aasif came back to himself, and found that he was standing in his apartment still clutching his bags of groceries. He was terribly glad that he'd kept a hold of them even in his extreme panic. He stood panting, his whole body shaking. Aasif closed his eyes, biting back a moan. Why? Why did he still react this way?! All it had taken was seeing that uniform, and his mind had gone blank as a surge of panic had risen up inside of him. He didn't even remember what the soldier’s face had looked like. He could have been anyone. Anyone at all.
Groaning, he staggered into his kitchen to put the groceries away. He would try very hard to forget this incident, just as he was trying to (unsuccessfully) forget so many other things. Perhaps one day he'd actually be able to forget, but he sincerely doubted it. He was trapped, trapped in a hell that he couldn’t seem to get out of...
Two Months Later:
(former) Sergeant Daniel Radney stood on the sidewalk and took a deep breath of the smog-laden air, feeling light-hearted and free. It was his first day as a civilian in more than ten years, and he intended to make the most of it. He'd already shed his uniform, and was wearing a pair of worn jeans and a t-shirt. Only his severely buzz cut hair was an indication of what he had been up until today, and lots of civilians had buzz cuts. He could definitely blend in with the rest of society looking like this.
He decided to do something to celebrate his freedom. He was going to do something that he never had before - he was going to walk into a gay bar and get a drink. While 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' was a thing of the past now, he'd still avoided places like gay bars even when he'd been on leave. That was partly because up until now, he hadn't wanted to take the chance of meeting someone he could be serious about. He hadn't wanted a life partner while he was still in the Army, because he hadn't wanted to leave someone behind who had to worry all the time that he might be killed. But now that he was free, he could think about finding someone. And this would be the first step - going to a place where gay men gathered.
He used his phone to Google the names and locations of gay bars nearby. Picking one at random, he drove his truck to the place. He was glad to see an absence of neon lights on the facade. There was only a small sign that WAS very pink-and-purple. He smiled a little at the sight of it as he walked in the place.
Inside, he saw a long bar made of polished wood against one wall, with mirrored shelves holding bottles of alcohol behind it. There was a small dance floor, but no disco ball or flashing lights. The bar was mostly empty at this time of day, though there was someone behind the bar moving around. Daniel strolled over to it and perched on a barstool. The bartender straightened up, looking surprised to see him.
"Oh, hello," he said in an accented voice. "What can I get you?"
"A rum and Coke, please," Daniel replied politely.
"Coming right up."
The bartender turned away to make his drink, and Daniel sat casually looking around. This seemed like a nice place. He might come and hang out here more often, now that he was thinking about getting onto the dating scene. He turned back when a glass clinked on the wood of the bar. "Thanks," he said, picking it up.
"You're welcome," the accented voice said quietly.
Daniel glanced up at the bartender in idle curiosity. Then his eyes sharpened as he stared at an oddly familiar face. Where did he know this guy from? He took in liquid cheekbones, a sensual mouth, soft brown skin, and a thick fall of black hair. But it was the big dark eyes he was remembering. Those eyes...he had seen them somewhere, he just knew it...
Suddenly, he knew. It had been that day, two months ago, when he'd been standing on the sidewalk in his uniform. Someone had run into him, and he'd seen a man holding two bags of groceries. A pair of big dark eyes had widened and filled with such a look of total fear...then the man had run away as though Daniel had been a demon. This man. But the bartender didn't seem to have an equal memory of his face, since the man was barely looking at him. What the hell? Why had this guy been so terrified of him two months ago, and why wasn’t he frightened now? Raging curiosity filled him, and he knew that he had to find out.
He started to open his mouth, to remind the man of that day, when the bartender left him with an indifferent smile to help another customer who'd just entered the bar. While he was gone, Daniel rethought his plan of asking the man what had caused his reaction. He didn't want to embarrass or disconcert the guy while he was working. He decided to hang around for a bit instead, and study the bartender. Maybe he could get a clue about what had caused that weird incident.
He sipped at his drink, watching the bartender from under his lashes. He noticed something, after awhile - the bartender avoided all contact with his customers. The way he handed his customers their drinks, he managed to deftly make sure that their fingers didn't touch. And while he smiled and even flirted a bit with the men who ordered drinks from him, it was all with a cool standoffishness in body language that had to communicate subconsciously to the customers that they shouldn't try to get too close.
Interesting. Why was the man afraid of being touched? Was it because he was straight? He could understand why a straight man working in a gay bar wouldn't want to get too friendly or affectionate with the customers. But that still didn't explain his reaction to Daniel's uniform - and it had to be to his uniform, since the man didn't even recognize his face.
Daniel knew he had to figure this mystery out. While he'd intended to write it off two months ago as 'just one of those things', now he wanted to know what about him had caused that look of terror in this man's eyes. He sipped at his drink, thoughtfully, coming up with a game plan in his head.
The bartender finished with the other customers and approached him again. "Can I give you a refill?" he asked, pointing at Daniel's half-empty glass.
"Not just yet," he replied. "In a bit."
"All right. Let me know if I can do anything else."
"You can tell me your name," Daniel said.
The bartender blinked, looking taken aback. "What?"
"Your name. Mine's Daniel. I'm thinking of hanging out here from now on, since I just moved to town and this seems like a nice place. It would be good to know the name of the guy serving me my drinks."
"Oh," the bartender said in comprehension. "It's Aasif."
"Aasif. Nice to meet you," Daniel said in a friendly but bland voice.
"Yes, it is nice to meet you as well, Daniel," the bartender replied in a neutral tone of voice.
"Here, you can give me a refill now," Daniel said with a small smile, sliding his almost empty glass toward the bartender.
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