Chapter 9
A/N: Reviews for the thoroughly adorable Ricky! He's my character, and I STILL want to pinch his cheeks! :P -DL
Ricky fled. He scurried across the backyard, dodging James' other guests, until he found an isolated corner to hide in. Hew stood beside a thick bush that sheltered him from all prying eyes, trying to get his breathing back to normal. Panic was still racing through him, making him scream inside of his own head. 'I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay!' he wailed silently, trying very hard to convince himself. He bowed his head and balled his hands into fists at his sides, struggling not to lose it entirely.
"Ricky?" a voice said nearby, making him jump and whirl around. He saw the gay guy who'd defended him from Freddy standing there, looking at him in concern.
"Hey, Ricky, are you okay?" he asked.
"Yes! No! I don't know..." Ricky said miserably, hunching his shoulders.
"What's wrong? Would you like to talk about it?" the other man asked gently.
"I don't..." Ricky began uncertainly, not wanting to discuss this with a gay man. Yet, who might understand better? "How did you know you were gay?!" he blurted out, then tensed.
The other man looked surprised. "How did I know...? Why do you want to know that, Ricky?"
He bit at his lip. "I...need to know!" he cried at last. "Please?"
"Well, in my case I knew by the time I was fifteen. I guess it's clichéd, but I knew because I started looking at the other boys in the locker room and showers at school. And I fantasized about some of the better-looking ones. It didn't take me long to figure out that I wasn't interested in girls. Does that help?"
"No," Ricky sighed wearily. "Have you ever met a guy who was gay who didn't know it? Who didn't figure out it out early on?"
"Yes," the other man replied promptly. "My boyfriend Nathan was a late bloomer, in fact. He dated girls in high school and college, and he told me that he didn't even want to admit to himself that he might be gay for a long time. He was even thinking of getting married to a woman and having a family."
Ricky stared at him. "What happened?" he asked, keenly curious.
"He met a guy he found irresistible sexually," Nathan explained with a small smile. "He tried to ignore it, but he finally couldn't anymore. He had a fling with the guy, and finally admitted to himself that he was gay. Which I'm glad for, since I wouldn't have dated a closet case. I would never settle for someone who can't accept himself for who he is."
Ricky hugged himself, feeling chilled. "What if...What if you were a guy who'd never had urges toward guys before this, but you started feeling them about one specific guy?" he asked pitifully. "What would that make you? A REALLY closeted gay guy?"
To his surprise, the other man shook his head. "No. To me, it sounds like he might be a budding bisexual who just didn't realize it before. And this man," he continued tactfully, "Might want to think about whether he was attracted enough to another guy to make it worth it for him to give up being a heterosexual, because life as a gay man can be very hard. It's worth it, but sometimes it's really difficult when so much of the world is against you. What it all comes down to in the long run is love. Love makes everything worth it. Anything less - maybe not so much."
Ricky took in a deep breath. "So this guy...should maybe not do anything about these feelings if it's not love?"
"That's up to him," the other man said with a slight smile. "And what he wants. Did that help at all?"
"It really did!" Ricky told him gratefully. "Thanks so much...umm..."
The other man laughed. "Daniel. James introduced us all the other night at the hospital, but there are a fair number of us. It's no wonder you couldn't remember our names. I'm glad that I could help, Ricky. I hope that that man," he added with a grin, "Figures something good out for himself."
"Me, too," Ricky replied fervently. "Me, too."
After that, he came out of hiding and joined the party. He still had a lot to think about, but talking to Daniel had made him feel better. A bisexual, huh? That made more sense to him than that he was just up and turning gay in his mid-twenties. And Daniel was right that he should think hard about his attraction to James, and whether it was strong enough to be worth his throwing away his old life and his family to be with another man.
He might have felt a bit left out, since everybody else at the party knew most of the other guests; except that James' sister Beth intercepted him and began introducing him around. She was genuinely kind to him, and didn't once mention her conversation with James at the barbeque earlier. He was very relieved about that. Many people were curious about James saving his life, so Ricky ended up telling the story half-a-dozen times. Once in awhile he'd glance over at the barbeque, where James was holding court. The cop was always talking to one of his friends, or laughing over something. Ricky tried hard not to stare at him, but wasn't always successful.
Finally it was time to eat. People collected plates of food and cups full of pop or bottles of beer or water, and sat down at the tables. Ricky approached the barbeque, where James was putting meat onto people's plates. "Hey, Ricky," he said, and Ricky tried to ignore the way his heart jumped a bit when the cop smiled at him. "Having fun?"
"Yeah," he replied truthfully, a little surprised. After that incident earlier, he was startled that he'd relaxed enough to have a good time.
"Great. What's your pleasure?"
"What?!" he exclaimed, his eyes going rather wide at this question.
James lifted a brow. "What kind of meat do you want?" he asked slowly and clearly, his eyes gleaming with suppressed humor.
Ricky could feel his heart pounding in his chest. "Oh," he said hurriedly. "Steak would be good."
James neatly forked a perfectly-done piece of NY strip onto Ricky's plate. "There you go. Enjoy."
"Thanks," Ricky said, and backed away hurriedly. His cheeks felt rather hot. he felt like an idiot as he fled over to the table where the rest of the food was laid out. He occupied himself with spooning potato salad, baked beans, jell-o salad, and coleslaw onto his plate, then added a handful of regular chips and a spoonful of ranch dip. He found a place to sit at a crowded table, finding himself sitting near Daniel and the man he'd arrived with, who must be his boyfriend Nathan.
Daniel smiled in welcome at him. "Hey, Ricky. The food looks good, huh?"
"It sure does," he replied.
"Anyway, this is Nathan. Nathan, you remember Ricky?"
"Yeah. How you doing?" Nathan said amiably.
"Pretty good," Ricky said. "It's nice to meet you."
Nathan nodded, then applied himself to his food. Daniel chuckled. "He's starving," he told Ricky in amusement. "He hasn't eaten in over four hours."
His boyfriend gave him an elbow in his side, which made him grunt. He winked at Ricky, who found himself laughing. He marveled over this fact, especially when he knew that only three weeks ago he wouldn't even have talked to someone like Daniel. And if he had, he would have done nothing but hurled slurs at Daniel's face. That thought made him feel heartily ashamed of himself. Daniel was so very nice, and he'd helped Ricky to sort himself out...it really didn't matter that Daniel was gay. It mattered what kind of person that he was, not who he slept with. Why had he never thought about that before?
He had all kinds of excuses, including his home life when he was a child. But still...that he'd never once contemplated that the way he thought of and felt about gay people might be wrong...he was disgusted with himself. He really had been on the way to turning into his father, before that bank robbery. What a horrible thought.
He vowed to try to be more open-minded from now on, even if it wasn't always easy. People deserved to be judged on their own merits or lack thereof, not taken as a whole and labeled. Not stuffed into one category and looked down upon just because of their sexual orientation. Or their skin color, or what country they happened to be from, or what sex they were...Ricky could clearly see that putting people into boxes was a child's way of thinking. If he ever wanted to be a mature adult, he had to start thinking about people in a different way from now on.
He concentrated on his food for a bit, because it was quite good and his stomach appreciated it. But when his hunger had abated, and he glanced up and down the table, he was surprised to see that James was sitting near the head of his table with his sister and her family, and he hadn't even noticed. The cop was saying something to his little niece, who was giggling. He blinked when James made a horrible face at the little girl, which made her go into howls of laughter. His heart went mushy in his chest at the sight of the big, bad cop entertaining the tiny girl, and Ricky almost poked himself in the eye with his own fork when he absent-mindedly tried to take a bite of potato salad while staring at James intently.
A hand touched his arm, and he turned his head to see that Daniel had slid down a bit when the person sitting next to Ricky had gotten up, and was sitting right next to him smiling. "Hey, Ricky. Do you find something interesting?" he asked, cutting his eyes down the table to where James was sitting.
He felt his face flame. "No!" he said hurriedly.
Daniel nodded. "Of course not," he said, his eyes twinkling. "Although I've got to say this," he went on softly, "If that guy who was starting to have feelings about another man was having those feelings about someone as awesome as James, I couldn't blame him at all. If I hadn't met Nathan and fallen head-over-heels, I would have SO made a play for James myself. In fact, that's how he made at least half of his gay friends - they all hit on him, and were willing to settle for just being friends when they couldn't get anything else from him."
"Why couldn't they get anything else from him?" Ricky asked, not trying to hide his intense curiosity now. What was the point? Daniel could see right through him.
Daniel shrugged. "James is really picky. He only dates guys that he's really attracted to. He won't just jump into bed with any guy, no matter how hot they are. I've always admired him for that."
"Oh," Ricky was just realizing that his attraction to James might not go anywhere anyway, even if he ever gave into it. Now why did that thought not comfort him at all? Why did it make him feel melancholy instead?
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A/N: Reviews for the thoroughly adorable Ricky! He's my character, and I STILL want to pinch his cheeks! :P -DL
Ricky fled. He scurried across the backyard, dodging James' other guests, until he found an isolated corner to hide in. Hew stood beside a thick bush that sheltered him from all prying eyes, trying to get his breathing back to normal. Panic was still racing through him, making him scream inside of his own head. 'I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay!' he wailed silently, trying very hard to convince himself. He bowed his head and balled his hands into fists at his sides, struggling not to lose it entirely.
"Ricky?" a voice said nearby, making him jump and whirl around. He saw the gay guy who'd defended him from Freddy standing there, looking at him in concern.
"Hey, Ricky, are you okay?" he asked.
"Yes! No! I don't know..." Ricky said miserably, hunching his shoulders.
"What's wrong? Would you like to talk about it?" the other man asked gently.
"I don't..." Ricky began uncertainly, not wanting to discuss this with a gay man. Yet, who might understand better? "How did you know you were gay?!" he blurted out, then tensed.
The other man looked surprised. "How did I know...? Why do you want to know that, Ricky?"
He bit at his lip. "I...need to know!" he cried at last. "Please?"
"Well, in my case I knew by the time I was fifteen. I guess it's clichéd, but I knew because I started looking at the other boys in the locker room and showers at school. And I fantasized about some of the better-looking ones. It didn't take me long to figure out that I wasn't interested in girls. Does that help?"
"No," Ricky sighed wearily. "Have you ever met a guy who was gay who didn't know it? Who didn't figure out it out early on?"
"Yes," the other man replied promptly. "My boyfriend Nathan was a late bloomer, in fact. He dated girls in high school and college, and he told me that he didn't even want to admit to himself that he might be gay for a long time. He was even thinking of getting married to a woman and having a family."
Ricky stared at him. "What happened?" he asked, keenly curious.
"He met a guy he found irresistible sexually," Nathan explained with a small smile. "He tried to ignore it, but he finally couldn't anymore. He had a fling with the guy, and finally admitted to himself that he was gay. Which I'm glad for, since I wouldn't have dated a closet case. I would never settle for someone who can't accept himself for who he is."
Ricky hugged himself, feeling chilled. "What if...What if you were a guy who'd never had urges toward guys before this, but you started feeling them about one specific guy?" he asked pitifully. "What would that make you? A REALLY closeted gay guy?"
To his surprise, the other man shook his head. "No. To me, it sounds like he might be a budding bisexual who just didn't realize it before. And this man," he continued tactfully, "Might want to think about whether he was attracted enough to another guy to make it worth it for him to give up being a heterosexual, because life as a gay man can be very hard. It's worth it, but sometimes it's really difficult when so much of the world is against you. What it all comes down to in the long run is love. Love makes everything worth it. Anything less - maybe not so much."
Ricky took in a deep breath. "So this guy...should maybe not do anything about these feelings if it's not love?"
"That's up to him," the other man said with a slight smile. "And what he wants. Did that help at all?"
"It really did!" Ricky told him gratefully. "Thanks so much...umm..."
The other man laughed. "Daniel. James introduced us all the other night at the hospital, but there are a fair number of us. It's no wonder you couldn't remember our names. I'm glad that I could help, Ricky. I hope that that man," he added with a grin, "Figures something good out for himself."
"Me, too," Ricky replied fervently. "Me, too."
After that, he came out of hiding and joined the party. He still had a lot to think about, but talking to Daniel had made him feel better. A bisexual, huh? That made more sense to him than that he was just up and turning gay in his mid-twenties. And Daniel was right that he should think hard about his attraction to James, and whether it was strong enough to be worth his throwing away his old life and his family to be with another man.
He might have felt a bit left out, since everybody else at the party knew most of the other guests; except that James' sister Beth intercepted him and began introducing him around. She was genuinely kind to him, and didn't once mention her conversation with James at the barbeque earlier. He was very relieved about that. Many people were curious about James saving his life, so Ricky ended up telling the story half-a-dozen times. Once in awhile he'd glance over at the barbeque, where James was holding court. The cop was always talking to one of his friends, or laughing over something. Ricky tried hard not to stare at him, but wasn't always successful.
Finally it was time to eat. People collected plates of food and cups full of pop or bottles of beer or water, and sat down at the tables. Ricky approached the barbeque, where James was putting meat onto people's plates. "Hey, Ricky," he said, and Ricky tried to ignore the way his heart jumped a bit when the cop smiled at him. "Having fun?"
"Yeah," he replied truthfully, a little surprised. After that incident earlier, he was startled that he'd relaxed enough to have a good time.
"Great. What's your pleasure?"
"What?!" he exclaimed, his eyes going rather wide at this question.
James lifted a brow. "What kind of meat do you want?" he asked slowly and clearly, his eyes gleaming with suppressed humor.
Ricky could feel his heart pounding in his chest. "Oh," he said hurriedly. "Steak would be good."
James neatly forked a perfectly-done piece of NY strip onto Ricky's plate. "There you go. Enjoy."
"Thanks," Ricky said, and backed away hurriedly. His cheeks felt rather hot. he felt like an idiot as he fled over to the table where the rest of the food was laid out. He occupied himself with spooning potato salad, baked beans, jell-o salad, and coleslaw onto his plate, then added a handful of regular chips and a spoonful of ranch dip. He found a place to sit at a crowded table, finding himself sitting near Daniel and the man he'd arrived with, who must be his boyfriend Nathan.
Daniel smiled in welcome at him. "Hey, Ricky. The food looks good, huh?"
"It sure does," he replied.
"Anyway, this is Nathan. Nathan, you remember Ricky?"
"Yeah. How you doing?" Nathan said amiably.
"Pretty good," Ricky said. "It's nice to meet you."
Nathan nodded, then applied himself to his food. Daniel chuckled. "He's starving," he told Ricky in amusement. "He hasn't eaten in over four hours."
His boyfriend gave him an elbow in his side, which made him grunt. He winked at Ricky, who found himself laughing. He marveled over this fact, especially when he knew that only three weeks ago he wouldn't even have talked to someone like Daniel. And if he had, he would have done nothing but hurled slurs at Daniel's face. That thought made him feel heartily ashamed of himself. Daniel was so very nice, and he'd helped Ricky to sort himself out...it really didn't matter that Daniel was gay. It mattered what kind of person that he was, not who he slept with. Why had he never thought about that before?
He had all kinds of excuses, including his home life when he was a child. But still...that he'd never once contemplated that the way he thought of and felt about gay people might be wrong...he was disgusted with himself. He really had been on the way to turning into his father, before that bank robbery. What a horrible thought.
He vowed to try to be more open-minded from now on, even if it wasn't always easy. People deserved to be judged on their own merits or lack thereof, not taken as a whole and labeled. Not stuffed into one category and looked down upon just because of their sexual orientation. Or their skin color, or what country they happened to be from, or what sex they were...Ricky could clearly see that putting people into boxes was a child's way of thinking. If he ever wanted to be a mature adult, he had to start thinking about people in a different way from now on.
He concentrated on his food for a bit, because it was quite good and his stomach appreciated it. But when his hunger had abated, and he glanced up and down the table, he was surprised to see that James was sitting near the head of his table with his sister and her family, and he hadn't even noticed. The cop was saying something to his little niece, who was giggling. He blinked when James made a horrible face at the little girl, which made her go into howls of laughter. His heart went mushy in his chest at the sight of the big, bad cop entertaining the tiny girl, and Ricky almost poked himself in the eye with his own fork when he absent-mindedly tried to take a bite of potato salad while staring at James intently.
A hand touched his arm, and he turned his head to see that Daniel had slid down a bit when the person sitting next to Ricky had gotten up, and was sitting right next to him smiling. "Hey, Ricky. Do you find something interesting?" he asked, cutting his eyes down the table to where James was sitting.
He felt his face flame. "No!" he said hurriedly.
Daniel nodded. "Of course not," he said, his eyes twinkling. "Although I've got to say this," he went on softly, "If that guy who was starting to have feelings about another man was having those feelings about someone as awesome as James, I couldn't blame him at all. If I hadn't met Nathan and fallen head-over-heels, I would have SO made a play for James myself. In fact, that's how he made at least half of his gay friends - they all hit on him, and were willing to settle for just being friends when they couldn't get anything else from him."
"Why couldn't they get anything else from him?" Ricky asked, not trying to hide his intense curiosity now. What was the point? Daniel could see right through him.
Daniel shrugged. "James is really picky. He only dates guys that he's really attracted to. He won't just jump into bed with any guy, no matter how hot they are. I've always admired him for that."
"Oh," Ricky was just realizing that his attraction to James might not go anywhere anyway, even if he ever gave into it. Now why did that thought not comfort him at all? Why did it make him feel melancholy instead?
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