Chapter 4
Daniel sat on a bench in the park and worried that Aasif wouldn’t show up. He couldn’t make the bartender try and overcome his terror of being touched; and if fear had overwhelmed him he knew that he wouldn’t be seeing Aasif today. He sighed, running a hand over his very short hair. While he didn’t have a buzz cut anymore, he still kept it ruthlessly short because it was more practical and easier to care for. It was ten minutes after three, and still no sign of Aasif. He wasn’t sure how long he’d wait if the bartender didn’t show up. He didn’t want to leave too soon just in case Aasif found his nerve.
To his surprise, he heard a familiar voice call his name. Turning, he saw Aasif walking slowly down the path toward the bench where he was sitting. The bartender was walking so stiffly upright that he looked like he might break in half soon. His face was completely expressionless, which told Daniel that he was silently panicking underneath. He stood up slowly and waited, making no moves toward Aasif. “Hi,” he said softly when Aasif was close.
“Hi,” Aasif choked.
“You okay?” he continued, his eyes trained on Aasif’s face.
“I…no,” Aasif said tightly. “But…I’m here,” he added, lifting his chin.
“That’s the important part,” Daniel agreed quietly. “Sometimes just showing up is the hardest thing you can do. Can you come over here and sit down?”
Aasif stood still for a moment, then he lurched forward and practically threw himself down on the bench. His hands fell into his lap, where they began twining together wildly. They were gripping each other so hard that it was a wonder that the bones weren’t cracking. Daniel winced at the sight of them.
He himself sat back down, as far from Aasif as the bench would allow. “We’ll take this a little at a time,” he began in a soothing, reassuring tone of voice. “There’s no rush. If you can’t take it, just let me know. Or run away,” he added with a quirk of his lips. “I won’t try and stop you.”
Aasif laughed in a cracked sort of way. “Thanks,” he said. “W-What now?”
Daniel edged a bit closer to him. “Take deep breaths,” he told Aasif. “Remember that I’m not going to hurt you and that you can run away at any time. Okay?”
“Yes,” Aasif hissed.
Daniel moved slowly closer. Aasif watched him out of the corner of his eye, his face pale and his lips tight. His body was twitching slightly. Clearly he wanted to run away, and only stubbornness and a desperate courage were keeping him in place. He reached out, draping his arm across the back of the bench. His fingers didn’t quite touch Aasif’s curly hair. “Relax,” he crooned. “Relax, Aasif. I’ll never hurt you. You’re safe here. It’s all right. You’re doing great.”
His stream of gently encouraging words made some of the tension drain out of Aasif’s slender shoulders, and he sighed softly. “This is…so hard…” he breathed, trembling a little. “I know. I know it is. But if you can get through this, you’ll come out the other side a stronger person. I know you can do it, Aasif.”
The sincerity in his voice made the bartender glance askance at him. “Why do you believe in me?” he asked.
“Because I’ve seen how strong you are. How much you want to overcome your fear and get well again. And I want to help you do that, as much as I can. With that in mind…” he gently lowered his hand and touched Aasif’s silky/coarse hair. The bartender stiffened but didn’t move. He looked like a mouse trapped in the grip of a hawk.
His fingers stroked over the hair, loving the texture of it. “You’re doing so good,” he told Aasif. “You’re so brave. I admire you.”
A startled glance out of huge eyes. “You do?”
Daniel nodded. “A lot of people wouldn’t even try in your shoes,”
he said. “They’d let their fear rule them. To have true courage is to be afraid and do what you have to anyway.”
“Oh. I’ve never thought about it that way,” Aasif said.
“It’s true. Now, I’m gonna touch your shoulder,” he warned Aasif. His fingers gently gripped a slender shoulder, not closing tightly but just resting there lightly.
Aasif drew in a sharp, harsh breath. But he didn’t move, even though his body was quivering. Daniel’s fingers made a soothing stroking motion, over and over again. He said nothing, merely lightly touched Aasif and let time flow by. After a time, the bartender’s whole body lost some of its tension. He sighed, a ghost of a sound. “This isn’t…so bad…” he whispered.
“See? You’re making progress already,” Daniel pointed out. “At least you’re not running away screaming.”
A shaky laugh. “Yes. That’s a victory, I guess.”
“It sure is. So, you want to talk about something to take your mind off of this?”
“Sure. I heard from my sister yesterday. Apparently she’s getting really serious with her boyfriend. They might even get engaged.”
“That’s awesome news,” Daniel replied. He paused, then asked quietly: “Have you told her that you’re gay yet, Aasif?”
A long, tired sigh. “No. I haven’t had a real reason to yet, because I can’t even have a boyfriend. Why would I risk her reaction when I can’t even live as a gay man yet?”
“I can see,” Daniel conceded. He let his hand rest a bit more firmly on Aasif’s shoulder. The bartender didn’t even seem to notice. “Though if we manage to work this through, you’ll be able to finally get a boyfriend. Then what will you do?”
“I’ll tell her then. I’ll have to. And I won’t be ashamed of who I am. I won’t ever tell my parents, though,” he went on with a sad sigh. “They simply wouldn’t understand. My father is very traditional. Being gay is not acceptable in most of Islam. My sister might be able to handle it since she’s been in America for so long, and people are less rigid here about these kinds of things. But in Iraq…people are still killed for being gay. I don’t want to put that burden on my parents. I don’t want them to have to choose between their religion and their son.”
“I get that,” Daniel remarked. “I was raised Baptist, but when I realized I was gay I decided I couldn’t choose to remain in a religion that thinks that people like me are going to Hell for being who we are. My mom didn’t understand that at first, but after awhile I made her see my side. I explained to her that I wasn’t going to be ashamed of who I am, and that most religions make gay people feel ashamed because of their sexuality. That if you can simply ’overcome’ being gay you’ll be all right. That’s like telling a leftie if he can overcome writing with his left hand he’ll be accepted for who he is. If you can’t accept me for who I am, then I’m not interested.”
“It is so difficult,” Aasif sighed, as Daniel very carefully draped his arm over Aasif’s shoulders. “It was so very hard for me to walk away from the religion of my fathers. It was a part of who I was.”
Daniel considered his words. “It sounds to me like this is way more important to you than it ever was to me,” he began. “So maybe you should think it over, Aasif. Maybe you should consider whether you can be gay and a Muslim at the same time. If you decide that you can, you should go back to it. You shouldn’t cut out one part of yourself in favor of another. For me, it wasn’t a big deal because I’ve never been very religious. It was easy for me to walk away.”
Aasif sighed. Daniel let his arm rest on Aasif’s shoulders, feeling delight that the bartender was thinking so hard over what he’d said that he didn’t even notice the broadening of the touch. “I will…think about, Daniel,” he said after a moment.
Daniel nodded in satisfaction. “Good. And I’ve gotta say, Aasif, that you’re doing really well. I’ve had my arm around you for like fifteen minutes, and you’ve barely noticed.”
Aasif belatedly stiffened, his eyes going wide. Daniel chuckled. “Getting excited about it now is kind of silly, isn’t it?” He pointed out.
Aasif trembled a little, but after a moment he drew in a long breath. “You’re right,” he conceded.
“Yes, I am. Now relax and let’s just enjoy the afternoon, huh? Great weather today.”
Aasif breathed out a little laugh, a lovely sound. His body slowly untensed, and Daniel didn’t move at all while he waited for Aasif to relax. “This is…working, isn’t it?” Aasif said after a bit.
“Yeah, it seems to be. If we keep doing this, I think you won’t freak out about being touched after awhile. Then you’ll be free to get a boyfriend and have a real life.”
“That will be wonderful,” Aasif said. “And I’ll owe it all to you, Daniel,” he said in awe.
He smiled. “I told you, I’m simply helping a friend,” he replied.
“But…” Aasif bit at his lower lip a little.
“But?”
Those lovely eyes slid his way and then darted off again. They trained on some children playing in the grass, as he said softly: “What if…? What if I don’t want you to be my friend?”
Daniel was silent for a moment. Then he remarked: “Well, I’ll survive. I would have liked to be friends with you, Aasif, but…”
“No, no!! That isn’t what I meant!” the bartender cried, turning dark red. “I don’t want to be JUST your friend!” he wailed, his hands waving around frantically.
Daniel felt pleasure coil in his belly. “Oh? What more do you want us to be, Aasif?”
Silence. Aasif was brick red and unable to speak. Daniel chuckled at this much cuteness. “On my part,” he began calmly, “I’ve been hoping to hook up with you since the first time I ever saw you.”
Aasif’s head whipped around. His wide eyes met Daniel’s, and his mouth gaped open. “W-What?!”
Daniel grinned. “You’re adorable, and sexy, and really interesting,” he told Aasif. “Why wouldn’t I want to get with you?”
Aasif’s mouth opened and closed, like a landed fish. Finally he whispered: “Really?”
Daniel nodded. “Really.”
“Oh. Oh.” Tears started in Aasif’s eyes. “Oh, Daniel. I want that too,” he said so softly that Daniel could barely hear him.
Daniel felt triumph race through him. “Good,” he remarked aloud. “Very, very good.”
Daniel sat on a bench in the park and worried that Aasif wouldn’t show up. He couldn’t make the bartender try and overcome his terror of being touched; and if fear had overwhelmed him he knew that he wouldn’t be seeing Aasif today. He sighed, running a hand over his very short hair. While he didn’t have a buzz cut anymore, he still kept it ruthlessly short because it was more practical and easier to care for. It was ten minutes after three, and still no sign of Aasif. He wasn’t sure how long he’d wait if the bartender didn’t show up. He didn’t want to leave too soon just in case Aasif found his nerve.
To his surprise, he heard a familiar voice call his name. Turning, he saw Aasif walking slowly down the path toward the bench where he was sitting. The bartender was walking so stiffly upright that he looked like he might break in half soon. His face was completely expressionless, which told Daniel that he was silently panicking underneath. He stood up slowly and waited, making no moves toward Aasif. “Hi,” he said softly when Aasif was close.
“Hi,” Aasif choked.
“You okay?” he continued, his eyes trained on Aasif’s face.
“I…no,” Aasif said tightly. “But…I’m here,” he added, lifting his chin.
“That’s the important part,” Daniel agreed quietly. “Sometimes just showing up is the hardest thing you can do. Can you come over here and sit down?”
Aasif stood still for a moment, then he lurched forward and practically threw himself down on the bench. His hands fell into his lap, where they began twining together wildly. They were gripping each other so hard that it was a wonder that the bones weren’t cracking. Daniel winced at the sight of them.
He himself sat back down, as far from Aasif as the bench would allow. “We’ll take this a little at a time,” he began in a soothing, reassuring tone of voice. “There’s no rush. If you can’t take it, just let me know. Or run away,” he added with a quirk of his lips. “I won’t try and stop you.”
Aasif laughed in a cracked sort of way. “Thanks,” he said. “W-What now?”
Daniel edged a bit closer to him. “Take deep breaths,” he told Aasif. “Remember that I’m not going to hurt you and that you can run away at any time. Okay?”
“Yes,” Aasif hissed.
Daniel moved slowly closer. Aasif watched him out of the corner of his eye, his face pale and his lips tight. His body was twitching slightly. Clearly he wanted to run away, and only stubbornness and a desperate courage were keeping him in place. He reached out, draping his arm across the back of the bench. His fingers didn’t quite touch Aasif’s curly hair. “Relax,” he crooned. “Relax, Aasif. I’ll never hurt you. You’re safe here. It’s all right. You’re doing great.”
His stream of gently encouraging words made some of the tension drain out of Aasif’s slender shoulders, and he sighed softly. “This is…so hard…” he breathed, trembling a little. “I know. I know it is. But if you can get through this, you’ll come out the other side a stronger person. I know you can do it, Aasif.”
The sincerity in his voice made the bartender glance askance at him. “Why do you believe in me?” he asked.
“Because I’ve seen how strong you are. How much you want to overcome your fear and get well again. And I want to help you do that, as much as I can. With that in mind…” he gently lowered his hand and touched Aasif’s silky/coarse hair. The bartender stiffened but didn’t move. He looked like a mouse trapped in the grip of a hawk.
His fingers stroked over the hair, loving the texture of it. “You’re doing so good,” he told Aasif. “You’re so brave. I admire you.”
A startled glance out of huge eyes. “You do?”
Daniel nodded. “A lot of people wouldn’t even try in your shoes,”
he said. “They’d let their fear rule them. To have true courage is to be afraid and do what you have to anyway.”
“Oh. I’ve never thought about it that way,” Aasif said.
“It’s true. Now, I’m gonna touch your shoulder,” he warned Aasif. His fingers gently gripped a slender shoulder, not closing tightly but just resting there lightly.
Aasif drew in a sharp, harsh breath. But he didn’t move, even though his body was quivering. Daniel’s fingers made a soothing stroking motion, over and over again. He said nothing, merely lightly touched Aasif and let time flow by. After a time, the bartender’s whole body lost some of its tension. He sighed, a ghost of a sound. “This isn’t…so bad…” he whispered.
“See? You’re making progress already,” Daniel pointed out. “At least you’re not running away screaming.”
A shaky laugh. “Yes. That’s a victory, I guess.”
“It sure is. So, you want to talk about something to take your mind off of this?”
“Sure. I heard from my sister yesterday. Apparently she’s getting really serious with her boyfriend. They might even get engaged.”
“That’s awesome news,” Daniel replied. He paused, then asked quietly: “Have you told her that you’re gay yet, Aasif?”
A long, tired sigh. “No. I haven’t had a real reason to yet, because I can’t even have a boyfriend. Why would I risk her reaction when I can’t even live as a gay man yet?”
“I can see,” Daniel conceded. He let his hand rest a bit more firmly on Aasif’s shoulder. The bartender didn’t even seem to notice. “Though if we manage to work this through, you’ll be able to finally get a boyfriend. Then what will you do?”
“I’ll tell her then. I’ll have to. And I won’t be ashamed of who I am. I won’t ever tell my parents, though,” he went on with a sad sigh. “They simply wouldn’t understand. My father is very traditional. Being gay is not acceptable in most of Islam. My sister might be able to handle it since she’s been in America for so long, and people are less rigid here about these kinds of things. But in Iraq…people are still killed for being gay. I don’t want to put that burden on my parents. I don’t want them to have to choose between their religion and their son.”
“I get that,” Daniel remarked. “I was raised Baptist, but when I realized I was gay I decided I couldn’t choose to remain in a religion that thinks that people like me are going to Hell for being who we are. My mom didn’t understand that at first, but after awhile I made her see my side. I explained to her that I wasn’t going to be ashamed of who I am, and that most religions make gay people feel ashamed because of their sexuality. That if you can simply ’overcome’ being gay you’ll be all right. That’s like telling a leftie if he can overcome writing with his left hand he’ll be accepted for who he is. If you can’t accept me for who I am, then I’m not interested.”
“It is so difficult,” Aasif sighed, as Daniel very carefully draped his arm over Aasif’s shoulders. “It was so very hard for me to walk away from the religion of my fathers. It was a part of who I was.”
Daniel considered his words. “It sounds to me like this is way more important to you than it ever was to me,” he began. “So maybe you should think it over, Aasif. Maybe you should consider whether you can be gay and a Muslim at the same time. If you decide that you can, you should go back to it. You shouldn’t cut out one part of yourself in favor of another. For me, it wasn’t a big deal because I’ve never been very religious. It was easy for me to walk away.”
Aasif sighed. Daniel let his arm rest on Aasif’s shoulders, feeling delight that the bartender was thinking so hard over what he’d said that he didn’t even notice the broadening of the touch. “I will…think about, Daniel,” he said after a moment.
Daniel nodded in satisfaction. “Good. And I’ve gotta say, Aasif, that you’re doing really well. I’ve had my arm around you for like fifteen minutes, and you’ve barely noticed.”
Aasif belatedly stiffened, his eyes going wide. Daniel chuckled. “Getting excited about it now is kind of silly, isn’t it?” He pointed out.
Aasif trembled a little, but after a moment he drew in a long breath. “You’re right,” he conceded.
“Yes, I am. Now relax and let’s just enjoy the afternoon, huh? Great weather today.”
Aasif breathed out a little laugh, a lovely sound. His body slowly untensed, and Daniel didn’t move at all while he waited for Aasif to relax. “This is…working, isn’t it?” Aasif said after a bit.
“Yeah, it seems to be. If we keep doing this, I think you won’t freak out about being touched after awhile. Then you’ll be free to get a boyfriend and have a real life.”
“That will be wonderful,” Aasif said. “And I’ll owe it all to you, Daniel,” he said in awe.
He smiled. “I told you, I’m simply helping a friend,” he replied.
“But…” Aasif bit at his lower lip a little.
“But?”
Those lovely eyes slid his way and then darted off again. They trained on some children playing in the grass, as he said softly: “What if…? What if I don’t want you to be my friend?”
Daniel was silent for a moment. Then he remarked: “Well, I’ll survive. I would have liked to be friends with you, Aasif, but…”
“No, no!! That isn’t what I meant!” the bartender cried, turning dark red. “I don’t want to be JUST your friend!” he wailed, his hands waving around frantically.
Daniel felt pleasure coil in his belly. “Oh? What more do you want us to be, Aasif?”
Silence. Aasif was brick red and unable to speak. Daniel chuckled at this much cuteness. “On my part,” he began calmly, “I’ve been hoping to hook up with you since the first time I ever saw you.”
Aasif’s head whipped around. His wide eyes met Daniel’s, and his mouth gaped open. “W-What?!”
Daniel grinned. “You’re adorable, and sexy, and really interesting,” he told Aasif. “Why wouldn’t I want to get with you?”
Aasif’s mouth opened and closed, like a landed fish. Finally he whispered: “Really?”
Daniel nodded. “Really.”
“Oh. Oh.” Tears started in Aasif’s eyes. “Oh, Daniel. I want that too,” he said so softly that Daniel could barely hear him.
Daniel felt triumph race through him. “Good,” he remarked aloud. “Very, very good.”